Valentine’s Day Attachment

Heart-shaped everything, flowers on sale, chocolate covered strawberries, dinner for two. Valentine’s Day is here, and love is in the air. Everybody loves Valentine’s Day, right? The holiday that is dedicated to love, connection, and attachment. Some revel in the excitement to display their feelings of unconditional positive regard to the ones closest to them. Others fear the dreaded “love-day” like it is the full embodiment of their stinging feelings of loneliness spattered throughout every facet of their vision.

A large contributor to our feelings towards Valentine’s Day come from our own experiences. Maybe we haven’t had the best luck in the dating game. Maybe we have had some toxic or abusive relationships that have contributed to our feelings. Maybe we are fortunate and have had mostly positive or all positive experiences with relationships. A big component of our lived experience and its relationship to how we view Valentine’s Day and relationships in general is our attachment style. Our attachment style can alter the way we view relationships, how we behave in relationships, and what we look for when we are in relationships. Knowing our attachment style is crucial for deepening our understanding of what our needs are and how we can meet them.

Attachment

What is attachment? Attachment refers to our ability to “attach” emotionally to our caregiver in our early lives (Carney & Young, 2012). Attachment theory, originally developed by Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby, focuses on our attachment in our early lives and the effect that our success in attachment or failure in attachment have on our relationships for the rest of our lives (Carney & Young, 2012). The theory of Attachment acknowledges that our early life relationship experiences affect us lifelong. For example, if in our early childhood, we had a distant relationship with our caregiver, then in our adulthood, we may have problems attaching to a significant other, due to this deep-down anxiety of repeating those feelings we had when we were in our early childhood. Attachment theory argues that all of us are affected by our early-life relationship to our caregivers and that these relationships will be manifested in our future attempts at relationships.

Attachment Styles

Attachment styles are our patterns of attachment that are formed in our early lives that manifest in our future lives (Carney & Young, 2012). These attachment styles are based on our reactions to our caregivers. The four types of attachment in childhood are securely attached, anxious/resistant, avoidant, or disorganized/disoriented (Carney & Young, 2012). These attachment patterns correlate to attachment patterns in adulthood; secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized (Carney & Young, 2012). According to Attachment Theory, all our attachment patterns are learned through our experiences in our early lives and then continue to affect our interactions in our relationships when we are adults (Carney & Young, 2012).

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment in childhood is when the caregiver leaves, the child will cry, but when the caregiver returns, they will be comforted by their return (Carney & Young, 2012). If we had secure attachment in our childhood, we are very likely to have a secure pattern of attachment in adulthood and we will likely find it easy to get close to others and experience less distress in close relationships.

Avoidant

Avoidant attachment in childhood is when the baby doesn’t react when the parent left or returned (Carney & Young, 2012). If we are avoidant in our childhood, we will likely have a hard time getting close to others and we will feel uncomfortable being close to others or trusting others.

Anxious

If we have anxious attachment in our childhood, we are likely to feel worried that our partners don’t love us and that we are reluctant to get as close as we would like.

Attachment: What do we do now?

So, now what? We know what our attachment styles are, but is there anything we can do about it? Or are we stuck with our attachment style for the rest of our lives? Fortunately, our attachment styles are not fixed. Attachment Theory operates under the assumption that our experiences can determine how we react to attachment in our adulthood, but it doesn’t mean that we are always going to have that attachment style, because attachment styles are not fixed (Carney & Young, 2012). Once we know our pattern of behavior, it is easier to adjust it. A great way to work on changing your attachment pattern is through working with a therapist. You can book with our therapists at South Counseling, who can help you work through your attachment style, which can improve your relationships.

References:

Carney, M. M., & Young, P. M. (2012). Attachment theory. In B. A. Thyer, C. N. Dulmus, & K. M. Sowers (Eds.), Human behavior in the social environment: Theories for social work practice (pp. 165–193). John Wiley & Sons.